You Do Not Have to Know Yet

September 10, 2026

On the questions that keep you awake, and the quiet courage of taking one day at a time

Tobia Bradley, CDC  ·  Certified Divorce Coach  ·  Ashby Jones & Associates, LLC

If your mind will not stop asking questions right now, I want you to know you are in very good company.

Nearly every woman I sit with in the early part of her divorce is carrying the same heavy list. She usually does not share it all at once. It comes out a little at a time, often with an apology attached, as though worrying were something she should have outgrown by now.

It is not. Worry is what a loving, responsible mind does when the ground moves underneath it. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling it.

But I would love to help you set some of it down.

The questions that follow you everywhere

It is two fourteen in the morning and she is awake again.

The house is dark. The children are asleep down the hall. And her mind is wide awake, running the very same list it ran through last night.

Where will the kids and I end up?

How do I keep the lights on by myself?

What am I going to do for a living now?

What if a year from now I wish I had stayed?

What if I make one wrong decision and it undoes everything?

She finally drifts off around four. At seven the list is waiting for her in the shower, right where she left it. It rides along with her in the carpool line. It sits beside her in the parking lot at work while she takes one more quiet minute before going inside.

She told me it felt like carrying a radio she could not turn off.

Here is what I gently pointed out to her. Not one of those questions could be answered at two in the morning. Not one of them could be answered in the shower. Her mind kept asking anyway, because some tender part of her believed that if she just worked hard enough, she could solve the whole future before it arrived.

No one can do that. Not you, not me, not the most organized woman you know.

Worrying about tomorrow does not make tomorrow any easier. It only makes today harder.

The kindest three words I know

So many of the women I work with have spent years being the one with all the answers. The one who knew where the permission slip was, when the car tag was due, and what everybody needed before they even asked.

So when I invite them to simply say “I do not know,” those words can feel like failure at first. Like letting someone down.

They are not failure. They are the truth. And the truth is so much gentler to carry than the weight of pretending you have it all worked out.

You are allowed to not have an answer yet. You are allowed to leave a question open for a while. You do not have to settle things today that are not even in front of you today.

Make the days smaller

This is one of the most helpful things I share with my clients, and it is beautifully simple.

When the worry swells, it is almost always because you are looking too far down the road. Next summer. The holidays. What life will look like when your youngest graduates. You cannot see that far from where you are standing, and trying to will only wear you out.

So bring it closer.

What is happening this evening?

What do you need in the next hour?

What about right now, in this very moment?

Maybe the answer is to warm up leftovers and sit at the table with your children. Maybe it is to call your sister. Maybe it is to fold one basket of laundry, or step outside and feel the evening air, or have a good cry in the car before you go in. Whatever it is, that is enough. That is the whole job for now.

You do not have to climb the mountain tonight. You only have to take the next step.

A single day is a size you can hold. Six months is not.

Say it kindly, and say it out loud

The next time the list starts up, I want you to try something. Instead of forcing an answer, answer honestly.

I do not know where we will live yet.

I do not know how the money will come together yet.

I do not know what my work will look like yet.

And then, softly, add this.

And I will find my way.

That little word yet is doing lovely work. It tells your tired heart that this season will not last forever. It says the answer is coming, it simply is not here today. It keeps a door open instead of closing one.

Trusting yourself in the in between

Underneath all of it, this is really about trust. Not trust that everything will go perfectly, but trust that you will be able to handle whatever comes.

That kind of trust does not arrive overnight. The first few times you let a question sit unanswered, it will feel uncomfortable, and that is completely normal. Every time you do it anyway, you grow a little steadier.

When a client doubts herself, I ask her to look back at what she has already walked through. The conversation she dreaded for months. The nights she was not sure she would make it to morning. The days she packed lunches and smiled at her children while her own heart was breaking. She did not have a plan for any of that, and she found her way through it anyway.

That same woman is going to figure out the house. She is going to figure out the budget, and the work, and whatever else comes along. Not all at once, but one piece at a time, as each piece actually arrives.

Trusting yourself does not mean having every answer. It means believing you will find them when the time comes.

You have been brave for a long time. You can be brave for one more day.

Just for today

So here is all I am asking of you.

Not the next six months. Not the next year. Just today.

Rest when you can. Eat something nourishing. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a dear friend walking through this very same thing. Then go to bed.

And tomorrow? The woman who wakes up tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. She is far more capable than you realize.

You do not have to know yet. You only have to keep going.

A gentle note: this is a small kindness, not a substitute for real support. If the worry is keeping you from sleeping, eating, or getting through your days for more than a little while, please reach out to a counselor or your doctor. You deserve that care. And nothing here is legal advice. Questions about your home, your settlement, or your finances belong with your attorney.

With love, Tobia

Tobia Bradley, CDC  ·  Certified Divorce Coach

ASHBY JONES & ASSOCIATES, LLC

Lexington  |  Columbia  |  Charleston  ·  ashbyjoneslaw.com