Why You Keep Getting Pulled In (Part 2)

March 26, 2026

And what you can do to stop it.

By Tobia Bradley, CDC  ·  Divorce Coach  ·|  Ashby Jones and Associates, LLC

Part 2 of 7  ·  The Not Today Method Series

Friend, let me ask you something.

You know you shouldn’t respond. You’ve told yourself a hundred times. You have probably even put the phone down and then picked it back up thirty seconds later and typed exactly what you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

You are not weak. You are not failing at this. You are doing exactly what your brain was built to do.

And once you understand that, really understand it, everything changes.

Your brain is doing its job

When a hostile message arrives from someone who has legal power over your finances, your children, your future, and your brain registers that as a threat. Not a metaphorical threat. A real one, processed the same way your nervous system would process physical danger.

The amygdala fires. Cortisol and adrenaline flood in. The prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for long-term thinking, wise decisions, and strategic communication, goes partially offline.

In plain terms: the part of you that makes good decisions is the last one to show up when the conflict starts.

In that state, you are not making a considered choice to respond. You are reacting from a survival instinct that is older than rational thought. Your brain has one mission in that moment: reduce the threat. And the fastest way to reduce the feeling of threat is to do something. Respond. Defend. Correct the record. Engage.

It feels like taking control. It is the opposite of taking control.

What changed when one client tried Not Today

I want to tell you about someone I worked with. I’ll call him David.

David was three months into a contested divorce when he came to me. He was sharp, measured at work, the kind of person colleagues described as unflappable. But every time a message came in from the other side, something took over. He would respond immediately, sometimes before he’d even finished reading. Long messages. Detailed ones. Corrections, clarifications, defenses. He spent an average of two hours a day inside the text thread.

His attorney had flagged several of those messages as problematic. He knew it. He still couldn’t stop.

The first week he tried Not Today, he told me it felt wrong. Like he was letting something go unanswered. Like silence was the same as losing.

The second week, he called me after a particularly difficult exchange. The message had come in at work. The kind that would have cost him the rest of the afternoon. He put the phone face down. He took three breaths. He went back to his meeting. He responded that evening: one sentence, factual, nothing extra.

He said: “I got my afternoon back. That’s the first time in three months that happened.”

That is what Not Today gives you. Not a win in the argument. Something better: your time, your focus, your nervous system, your afternoon. Back in your hands, where they belong.

The reaction is not a character flaw. It is a biological response to a situation your nervous system was never designed to handle.

What the loop actually costs you

Here is what happens in the hour after a reactive response.

Your nervous system stays elevated. The cortisol that flooded in doesn’t simply switch off. You replay what you sent. You wonder how it will be used. You rehearse what you should have said instead. You check to see if they’ve responded. You check again.

Meanwhile, the work you needed to do goes undone. The dinner gets made on autopilot. The conversation with your child happens with half of you still inside the text thread. The sleep you needed doesn’t come, because your brain is still running the argument at two in the morning.

And here is the part that matters most in a legal context: every reactive message is a document. It is searchable, printable, and can be submitted as evidence. The message you sent in thirty seconds of activated emotion can be read cold, out of context, by someone whose job is to evaluate your character six months from now in a courtroom.

The loop does not just cost you your peace. It costs you your position.

You are not just protecting your peace when you practice Not Today. You are protecting your case.

Why it is designed to pull you in

I want to name something directly, because understanding it is part of breaking free from it.

In a high-conflict situation, the provocations are often not random. The midnight message. The accusation timed to land before a hearing. The calm, reasonable sounding email that contains something so precisely wrong that every part of you wants to correct it immediately.

These communications are frequently calibrated, consciously or not, to produce a reaction. Because your reaction is useful. It provides material. It keeps you destabilized. It keeps the conflict alive and you inside it.

The moment you understand that your reaction is the goal, not a side effect, something shifts. You stop asking: how do I respond to this? You start asking: do I give this what it is looking for?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

How to interrupt the loop

The Not Today practice which I introduced in Part 1 of this series is a pattern interrupt. It is the space you create between the provocation and the response. Here is how to build that space when your nervous system is pulling hard in the other direction.

Name what is happening in your body. Before you do anything with the message, notice where you feel it. The tightness in your chest. The heat in your face. The quickening in your breathing. That physical signal is your cue. It means your prefrontal cortex is going offline. It means this is not the moment to respond.

Put distance between you and the device. Phone face down. Laptop closed. Not forever, just for now. Physical distance from the source of the activation genuinely helps regulate the nervous system. It sounds almost insultingly simple. It works.

Do one grounding thing. Feet flat on the floor. Three slow breaths in for four counts, one, two, three, four.  Out for six counts, one, two, three, four, five, six.  Cold water on your wrists. A brief walk outside. Your nervous system can be calmed from the body inward and bringing it down even partially restores access to the thinking brain.

Ask the one question that changes everything: does responding right now change anything that actually matters?

If the answer is yes, if there is a logistical need, a child’s welfare at stake, a legal deadline to meet then respond. Briefly. Factually. Without emotional content.

If the answer is no, and it usually is, then Not Today. The message will still be there when you are steadier. Your response will be better for the wait. And your nervous system will thank you for the hour you just gave back to it.

The thinking brain comes back online when the body feels safe. Give it that chance before you type a single word.

One thing to try this week

Friend, this week I want you to try one thing.

When the pull comes, and it will come.  I want you to notice it before you act on it. Not to judge it. Not to fight it. Just to name it: there it is. The loop starting. My nervous system doing exactly what it was built to do.

And then before you respond, take sixty seconds. Just sixty. Breathe. Put the phone down. Ask the question.

You do not have to get it right every time. You are building a new reflex, and new reflexes take practice. But every time you catch the loop before it catches you, you take back a piece of yourself that the conflict has been borrowing without permission.

That piece belongs to you. Not Today is how you start taking it back.

With love and honesty,

Tobia Bradley, CDC

Certified Divorce Coach  |  Ashby Jones and Associates, LLC

Up next in the series Part 3: Not Today Is Not Silence Not responding doesn’t mean you’re letting them win. In Part 3, we talk about the difference between a boundary and a disappearing act and why choosing not to engage is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Ready to take the next step?

If this resonated with you.  If you recognized yourself in any part of what you just read. I want you to know that you do not have to figure out the next step alone.

As your Divorce Coach at Ashby Jones and Associates, I am here to walk alongside you through the parts of this process that go beyond the legal work, the anxiety, the fear, the moments when you are not sure how to hold it all together. That is exactly what I am here for.

Reach out to schedule a conversation. There is no pressure, no agenda and no cost to clients.  Just a space to talk about where you are and whether coaching might be helpful for you right now.

Contact Tobia Bradley, CDC

tobia@ashbyjoneslaw.com

A Note Before You Go

I am a Certified Divorce Coach (CDC) with over 25 years of experience in family law as a paralegal. That background shapes everything I do. I understand the legal process, I know how the system works, and I have walked alongside more families through divorce than I can count. But I am a coach, not an attorney and not a licensed therapist or mental health counselor. Nothing in this blog post or in any communication from me constitutes legal advice, therapeutic counseling, or mental health treatment. If you have legal questions related to your divorce or custody matter, please consult a licensed attorney. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need therapeutic support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional. My role is to walk alongside you as a coach and to help you get clear, get grounded, and move forward with intention. I am so glad you are here.