The Same Very Long Project

August 28, 2026

(Co-parenting: Part One of Three)

On co-parenting, and the question that actually matters now

Tobia Bradley, CDC  ·  Certified Divorce Coach  ·  Ashby Jones & Associates, LLC

I want to start with something difficult, and then tell you why I think you can hear it.

Somewhere in all of this, there is a question you have been carrying without quite saying out loud. Some version of does anybody understand what he did. Whether your mother sees it. Whether the judge will. Whether your children will know someday that you were the one holding everything together.

I understand that question better than you might think. It comes from somewhere legitimate. When you have been through something that felt deeply unfair, wanting the record set straight is not a character flaw. It is one of the most human things there is.

But it is not the question in front of you anymore.

The question in front of you is what kind of adults your children become. That is the entire assignment now, and everything else is a distraction from it, including the parts that feel most urgent.

What it sounds like when it is going well

Let me give you something concrete, because “be civil” is useless advice at seven in the morning when your jaw is already tight.

Healthy co-parenting has a sound to it, and it is plainer than people expect.

“What is going to work best for her?” Not what is fair. Not what the order says. Not whose turn it is. Just the child, placed in the middle of the sentence where she belongs.

“I see it differently, but I hear you.” You are not required to agree with him. You are required to be someone he can have a conversation with, and those are very different bars.

“That is your dad’s to decide on his time.” Said out loud, to your child, calmly. It costs you nothing and it teaches her the adults have this handled.

“I am not going to talk about that with you.” Warmly, not coldly. Possibly the most protective sentence in the entire list.

And underneath all of it, one commitment that carries more weight than the rest combined.

I will not use my child to get to her father.

Not through questions that are really about him. Not through remarks dropped where she can hear them. Not through the small sigh when his name comes up, which children read perfectly well even when nothing is said.

That is not weakness, and it is not letting him get away with anything. It is the hardest and most adult thing this season will ask of you.

You are not required to agree with him. You are required to be someone he can talk to.

The one about the fun parent

I hear this constantly, and there is real pain underneath it.

He gets to be Disneyland. I am the one doing the actual raising.

Sometimes that is exactly what is happening. There is a pattern where one parent buys affection and the other tries to hold onto relevance by other means, and neither one is really parenting. Both are competing, and children feel a competition even when nobody names it.

Two things about that.

The first is that the fun runs out. Children are not fooled nearly as long as people assume. A twelve year old can tell the difference between a father who is present and a father who is purchasing something, and she will work it out on her own timeline without help from you. Every attempt to speed that up backfires, because pointing it out makes you the one attacking her father, and now she has to defend him.

The second is harder. Competing with him damages you more than it damages him.

The moment you start keeping score, you are not raising your daughter anymore. You are running a campaign, she is the electorate, and children know when they are being campaigned to even if they could not put it into words. It puts her in the position of choosing, over and over, in a hundred small ways, and choosing is the precise thing that hurts children in this situation.

So do the unglamorous thing. Be the parent who is steady. Homework, bedtime, the boring Tuesday, the person who shows up.

It will not feel like winning. For a while it will feel like losing.

But steadiness is what a child remembers, and it is what she will come back to at twenty two when something in her life falls apart and she has to decide which parent to call.

Be the steady one. It does not feel like winning, and it is.

Why this is not a contest

Here is the thing that reframes all of it, and I have never had a client tell me it was wrong.

You and this man are going to be in each other’s lives for the rest of your children’s lives.

Not until the divorce is final. Not until the youngest turns eighteen. There are graduations coming. A wedding. A hospital waiting room at some point, and grandchildren, and a hundred ordinary rooms where you will both be standing.

You are not opponents. You are two people permanently assigned to the same very small, very long project, and the project is those children.

That does not mean you have to like him. It does not require forgiving anything or pretending the marriage ended for reasons other than the ones it did.

It means every bit of energy you spend proving a point is energy not spent on the actual work, and the actual work has a deadline. Your daughter is nine for one year. That year is happening right now, in whatever atmosphere the two of you build around her, and you do not get it back.

You are not on opposite sides. You are on the same very long project.

Start small

You do not have to be gracious about all of it by Friday. Take one piece.

Pick a sentence and use it this week. That is your dad’s to decide. Say it calmly, without the pause before it, without the tone. One sentence, and notice how it lands.

Let one thing go uncorrected. He will get something wrong this week and it will be tempting to make sure your children know it was wrong. Let that one pass and see how little it actually costs you.

Stop keeping score for seven days. Not forever. A week. Notice what you do with the attention you get back.

None of this is fair. You are being asked to be the steadier person in a situation you may not have chosen, with nobody around to see you doing it.

But your children are watching, closely and constantly, and what they are learning right now is how a person behaves when things are hard and nobody is being fair.

That lesson will outlast every argument in this case.

They will not remember who was right. They will remember who made them feel safe.

Next in this series: what children absorb while the adults are working it out, and the things they are not old enough to carry.

A gentle note: this is a small kindness, not a substitute for real support. If the heavy days are stacking up faster than the steady ones, please talk to someone, whether that’s a therapist, your doctor, or a friend who shows up. And nothing here is legal advice. Questions about your parenting order, your custody arrangement, or your children’s safety belong with your attorney.

With love, Tobia

Tobia Bradley, CDC  ·  Certified Divorce Coach

ASHBY JONES & ASSOCIATES, LLC

Lexington  |  Columbia  |  Charleston  ·  ashbyjoneslaw.com