The Pause is Yours: How to Deal With a Toxic Ex or Toxic Coparent

October 2, 2026

Three quiet moves that take the heat out of every exchange.

Tobia Bradley, CDC, Certified Divorce Coach

It is 9:47 on a Thursday night. The kids are finally asleep. You have just sat down for the first time since six this morning, and your phone lights up on the counter.

You see the name before you see the words. Your shoulders rise. Your stomach tightens. You have not even opened it yet, and already your evening belongs to someone else.

Then you read it.

You forgot her soccer cleats AGAIN. Typical. You never think about anyone but yourself.

Your thumbs are moving before you have decided anything. You forgot the cleats once, three weeks ago. You have driven to every practice since. You have receipts. You have a whole paragraph ready, and it is a good one.

Stop right there. Put the phone down. That paragraph is exactly what they were hoping for.

Delay Your Response

Here is what I have watched, over and over, with people dealing with a toxic ex or a toxic coparent. The message is rarely about the cleats. It is about the reaction.

A toxic person loves to see an immediate response out of you. When you answer within ninety seconds, angry and explaining, it tells them something they want to know: that they can still reach into your night and change how you feel, in real time, from across town. That is a feeling of control, and the fast reply hands it right over.

So you are going to take it back, and you are going to do it with time.

Put distance between what they said and when you answer. A text can wait a few hours. An email or a voicemail can wait a day or two, sometimes three. The more distance you create, the more control you keep. The pause belongs to you. Nobody else gets to set its length.

Something happens in that space. The heat drains out of you. You sleep on it. By morning, the message that felt like an emergency at 9:47 reads like what it is: a few sentences on a screen.

One honest note. If a message is about something truly time sensitive, like a pickup in an hour or a child who is sick today, answer the logistics. Just the logistics. You can be prompt about the facts and still be slow to engage with everything else.

The more distance you put between their words and your reply, the more control you keep.

Do Not Give Your Opinion

When you do answer, leave your opinion out of it.

This is harder than it sounds. You have opinions. Strong ones, and probably fair ones. You think the message was unfair. You think they forgot the cleats twice last spring. You think the tone was out of line.

All of that may be true. None of it belongs in your reply.

Your opinion is fuel. The moment you say “that is not fair” or “you are the one who,” you have opened a debate, and a toxic dynamic runs on debate. Every point you make becomes something new to argue with. Every explanation becomes something to pick apart.

Stay neutral. Think of yourself as the most even tempered person at the front desk of a hotel. Polite. Brief. Completely unbothered. You are not cold, and you are not warm. You are simply calm, and calm is very hard to fight with.

Your opinion is fuel. Neutral is the one thing they cannot argue with.

Ask Foundational Questions

Here is the move most people never think of. Instead of defending yourself, ask a simple question about the facts.

When did that happen?

What happened, exactly?

Which day are you referring to?

What does she need, and by when?

These are foundational questions. They are plain, calm, and focused on the details. And here is why they work so well: a toxic person usually does not care about the details. They came for your reaction. When you answer with a question about facts, there is no reaction to collect. The conversation has nowhere to go.

Picture a different version of that phone call. Your ex says, “The kids told me you were screaming at them all weekend.” Your old instinct is to protest, to list everything you did right, to ask how they could even say that. Instead, you take a breath and say, “When was this? What did they say happened?”

Often, there is a pause on the other end. Because the goal was never a conversation about Saturday. The goal was to upset you, and you did not cooperate.

Putting It All Together

So let’s go back to Thursday night and the cleats.

You put the phone face down. You go to bed. The next morning, after coffee, after the kids are off to school, you write back:

Which game does she need them for? I will make sure they are in her bag.

That is it. No defense. No history lesson about three weeks ago. No opinion about the word “typical.” A short delay, a neutral tone, and one foundational question.

What usually comes back is either a short answer about the game, or nothing at all. Either way, you just spent your Thursday night asleep instead of arguing, and that is a real win.

It will not feel satisfying at first. You may feel like you let something slide. You did not. You chose where your energy goes, and you chose not to spend it on a fight you were never going to win by arguing.

They came for your reaction. A calm question about the facts leaves them nothing to collect.

One Small Thing

The next time a message lands that makes your chest tighten, try this.

Open the notes app on your phone, not the message thread. Write the reply you really want to send. All of it. Every word. Then close the app and do not send anything.

Come back in a few hours, or tomorrow. Read what you wrote. Then write the version that is short, neutral, and ends with a question about the facts. Send that one.

You do not have to stop feeling the sting. You only have to stop handing them the moment it happens.

This post is meant as support and encouragement. It is not a substitute for care from a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional. If you are struggling, please reach out to someone qualified to help. If you ever feel unsafe, please contact local emergency services.

This post is not legal advice and does not create an attorney client relationship.

Warmly,

Tobia Bradley, CDC

Certified Divorce Coach

Ashby Jones and Associates, LLC

Lexington | Columbia | Charleston