The Coparenting Playbook

June 17, 2026

A Practical Guide from a Coach. The legal piece is one half. This is the other.

A Coaching Guide | Not Legal Advice

Sweet friend,

If you are reading this, you are probably exhausted.

You did not buy a custody guide because your life is going smoothly. You bought it, or downloaded it, because something inside you is wearing thin. The exchanges feel like landmines. The texts will not stop. Your child came home saying something last week that you cannot get out of your head. And the friend you would normally call about all of this is either tired of hearing it, or too close to it to be helpful.

I have been sitting across from women and men in this season for over twenty five years. I know what your shoulders look like right now. I know what you are carrying. I wrote this for you.

This guide is not going to fix your case. That is your attorney’s job, and your attorney is the right person for it. What this guide will do is give you something else. The human tools. The daily choreography of coparenting when things are hard. The small practices that protect your peace, your child, and your sense of who you are in the middle of all of this.

Every page is written in the same voice I would use if you were sitting across from me in my office in Lexington. Warm. Honest. Practical. Sometimes a little firm when I think you need it.

You do not have to read this guide in order. You do not have to read every section. Pick what calls to you. Keep what helps. Come back to it when the next hard moment lands, and it will.

I am so glad you are here.

With love,

Tobia

BEFORE YOU BEGIN

How to Use This Guide

A small note before you begin.

This guide is divided into eight short sections plus a closing letter. Each section addresses one piece of coparenting and gives you practical tools for it. Together, they cover the most common hard moments my clients ask me about.

Read it in order, or skip to what you need today. Some sections will feel urgent the first time you read them. Others will land later, when the situation comes up. That is normal. Save the guide somewhere you can find it again.

What This Guide Is Not

This guide is not legal advice. I am a Certified Divorce Coach, not an attorney. For questions about your specific case, your custody order, your filings, or anything that requires legal interpretation, please speak with your lawyer. My job is to help you carry the human side. Your lawyer’s job is to handle the legal one. Both of us are on your team.

Inside This Guide

01   The First Truth: It Is Not About You…………………………………………………………………………………. 04

02   The Exchange…………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 05

03   The Communication…………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 06

04   The Make Up Day Question…………………………………………………………………………………………… 07

05   When Your Child Comes Back Different……………………………………………………………………………. 08

06   The First Holidays Alone……………………………………………………………………………………………….. 09

07   The School Year………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 10

08   A Word About Documentation………………………………………………………………………………………. 11

09   A Closing Letter from Tobia…………………………………………………………………………………………… 12

SECTION ONE

The First Truth

It is not about you. It is about your child.

I tell my clients this more often than I tell them anything else.

Coparenting is not about you. It is not about your ex. It is about your child.

I know how that sounds. Your feelings are real. You did not choose this. There are days when the last thing you want to do is be generous to the person across the parking lot at the exchange. I hear you. And I am still going to say it again, because everything else in this guide rests on it.

Your child does not get to choose either. What they need, more than anything else, is for both of their parents to support a healthy relationship with the other parent whenever it is safe and appropriate to do so.

That is the standard. Not your comfort. Not your scorecard. Their relationship with both of their parents.

What I want you to remember

Every time you are about to make a coparenting decision in the heat of a hard moment, ask yourself one question. Would this decision serve my child, or am I making it because I am angry? Both answers are allowed. But you should know which one it is.

The goal was never the points. The goal was always the peace.

SECTION TWO

The Exchange

Forty five seconds in the parking lot.

The custody exchange is one of the most charged moments in coparenting. You and the other parent are in the same space, often in a public parking lot, often with your child watching every micro-expression on your face. A bad exchange ripples through the rest of the day. A good one barely registers, which is the goal.

Here is the choreography I teach my clients.

Park, do not idle. Get out of the car. Standing communicates calm. Sitting communicates avoidance, and your child reads both.

Greet your child first. Not the other parent. Hi sweetie. How was your week. Your child is the reason you are there.

Use the same five sentences every time. A neutral hello. The handoff of the backpack. A short logistics line if needed. A warm goodbye to your child. Done. “Here is her bag. She had a great week. I will see you Sunday.”

Do not engage anything else. If the other parent tries to start something, smile, say “Let’s talk about that over text,” and turn away. The parking lot is not the place.

After the exchange

Give yourself thirty seconds in the car before you drive away. Hands on the wheel. Take three breaths. Whatever just happened at the door does not get to come into the rest of your day with you. That is the reset.

Your child is watching the exchange to learn what kind of adults their parents are. Show them.

SECTION THREE

The Communication

How to talk. When not to.

Most of the conflict in coparenting does not happen at the exchange. It happens in writing. A text on a Tuesday afternoon. A message in the coparenting app at 11 p.m. An email from the other parent’s lawyer that sits in your inbox for three days while you draft and delete responses.

Here is the rule I give my clients. Three sentences. Calm, factual, brief. Not because they deserve three sentences. Because that is what protects you in writing. Anything you put in a message can be screenshotted, forwarded, and read aloud in court. Your three sentences should sound exactly the same in your kitchen as they will in front of a judge.

The 24-hour rule. If a message arrives that makes your blood pressure spike, do not respond for 24 hours. Almost nothing in coparenting is so urgent that it cannot wait a day. The first response you would have sent is almost never the one you would actually want a judge to read.

When to forward instead of reply. If a message is abusive, threatening, or asks you to agree to something outside your custody order, forward it to your attorney instead of answering it yourself. That is what they are there for.

The coparenting app. If your case is high conflict, an app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents keeps the whole record in one place. Use it. Stay off personal text where you can.

What I want you to remember

You do not have to win the message. You just have to send one that protects you, your child, and your peace. If a sentence does not do all three, it does not need to be sent.

SECTION FOUR

The Make Up Day Question

When to be flexible. When not to.

One of the most common questions I get is some version of this. My ex canceled visitation because he had to work and wants a make up day. Should I offer another day?

My answer, usually, is yes.

Life happens to all of us. Work happens. Emergencies happen. Cars break down. A boss calls a last minute meeting. We do not get to control those moments when we are married, and we do not get to control them when we are divorced. The question is not whether the other parent is perfect. The question is whether the other parent is showing up the best they can, with respect, with effort, with a genuine desire to be in the child’s life.

If the answer is yes, I am not interested in punishing them for being human. The fact that they wanted a make up day matters more than the missed visit itself.

When this does not apply

Flexibility is not an unconditional rule. If someone repeatedly cancels. If they never follow through. If they only show up when it is convenient for them. That is a different conversation. That is not flexibility. That is enabling. Flexibility is for the parent who is genuinely trying. Not the one who is using your good nature against you.

The real reason to say yes when you can

When you say yes, three people breathe. You breathe, because you did not spend the day in a fight. Your ex breathes, because they were met with grace instead of grievance. And your child breathes, because the calendar was not a battlefield today. Peace over points is not weakness. It is strategy.

SECTION FIVE

When Your Child Comes Back Different

Something they said that did not come from them.

Your daughter comes home from her week at his house and says something. Maybe she repeats a phrase that you know is not hers. Maybe she asks you a question about the divorce that has an edge you did not put there. Maybe she is cold at pickup in a way she was not before.

This is one of the hardest moments of coparenting, because you do not know yet what it is. And it matters which of three things it actually is.

It might be transition friction. Children who go between two homes often need a little time to re-acclimate when they come back to yours. The coldness at pickup is not always about anything. Sometimes it is just the work of switching gears. Give it 24 hours before you read meaning into it.

It might be a child processing out loud. Kids of divorce repeat what they hear, the way they pick up any other language. A phrase they heard at the other house is not necessarily evidence of intent. It might just be a child trying to make sense of two worlds.

It might be something more concerning. If the pattern is consistent, if the language sounds rehearsed, if your child seems to be parroting a version of events that contradicts what they have experienced firsthand, that is a different situation. Document what was said, when, in your own notes. Do not interrogate your child. Do not correct the other parent in front of them. Talk to your attorney about whether the pattern rises to a level that requires legal action.

What to say in the moment

When a child repeats something hard, your job is not to argue with what they said. Your job is to be a safe place for them to land. “I am sorry that is what you heard. I am here. You can ask me anything.” Then change the subject and make them dinner.

SECTION SIX

The First Holidays Alone

The empty chair on Christmas morning.

The first holiday you spend without your child is one of the hardest days of your divorce. Christmas morning at his house. Thanksgiving with her family. Your child’s birthday on the year you do not have them. The empty chair at the table is not a metaphor. It is a real chair, in a real room, that hits harder than you thought it would.

Here is what I tell my clients. The first holiday is the hardest. The second is half as hard. By the third, you have built something new.

Do not be alone if you can help it. Spend the day with friends, with family, with the people who love you. The instinct to grieve alone is understandable. It is also not the version of you that the day calls for.

Build a new small tradition this year that will outlast the grief. A different breakfast. A new movie. A walk somewhere your old life never went. Something that this year, in this season, is yours. Not a replacement. An addition.

Call your child once, briefly, warmly. Not three times. Once. Their day with the other parent is not the place to make them carry your sadness. Tell them you love them, you cannot wait to see them, you hope they are having fun. Then let them go.

What I want you to remember

The empty chair will feel like the whole story today. It is not. It is one chapter, in one year, in a life that has many more chapters in it. You will fill the chair again. With a friend. With a new family. With yourself, on purpose. The story is not over.

SECTION SEVEN

The School Year

Pickup, events, and the people who chose sides.

The school year carries its own hard moments. The school events you and the other parent both attend. The pickup line where the other moms or dads who used to be your friends now look at you differently. The conferences where you sit in the same room with the person you used to share a bed with. The birthday party invitation that lands in the mailbox.

A few rules I teach my clients.

Be present at school events, even when it is hard. Your child needs to see you there. The other parent will be there too, and that is fine. Stand on your own. Smile at your child. Be the parent who showed up.

Be civil in shared spaces. A short nod across the gym. A polite hello at the back-to-school night. You do not have to be friends. You have to be civil. Your child is watching you both decide how to be in the same room.

Lower your expectations of the other parents. Some of them will choose sides. Some of them will say things behind your back. Some will surprise you with kindness from unexpected places. Let go of who you thought they were. Notice who they actually are now. Keep the ones who showed up.

Communicate about school logistics through one channel. The coparenting app, or one shared calendar. Not three different threads. Not verbal hallway conversations. Pickup days, sick days, permission slips, sports schedules, all in one place where both of you can see them.

What I want you to remember

You will get through the first school year. By the second, the pickup line will not feel like a courtroom. By the third, you will have a new normal, and your child will have two parents who showed up for them, even when it was hard.

SECTION EIGHT

A Word About Documentation

Patterns beat threats.

I want to be careful here, because this is the section where coaching ends and legal work begins. Documentation can become evidence. Your attorney will tell you how to use it. My job is to help you start it.

Here is what I want my clients to do. Every night, write down what you did for your child today. Not the highlights. The ordinary.

School drop off. School pickup. Snacks. Homework. The conversation at the kitchen table about the kid at school who is being mean. Doctor or dentist appointments. Permission slips signed. Library books returned. Dinner. Bath time. The book you read before bed. Anything emotional. The tears about the divorce. The hug that helped. The bedtime question you answered.

Three sentences a day. In a notebook, or a notes app, or a coparenting app. Today’s date at the top. Boring. Consistent. No drama.

You do not have to argue with the other parent. You do not have to defend yourself in writing. You are just quietly, daily, building the record of who you actually are as a parent.

Why this matters

Custody is not won by saying I want 50/50. It is decided by who showed up. Every day. For the small things. The court will see the pattern of who was actually there. Threats do not show up in the pattern. Patterns beat threats every time.

The case is not the version where you try to argue with them. The case is the version where you quietly, calmly, daily, show what you have already been doing.

A CLOSING LETTER FROM TOBIA

Sweet friend,

You made it to the last page.

That alone tells me something about you. You are still reading. You are still trying. You are still doing the hard work of being the kind of parent your child needs even though every part of this season has been heavier than it should have been.

I want you to remember a few things as you close this guide.

You will not get this perfectly. Nobody does. There will be exchanges that go badly, texts you wish you had not sent, holidays that wrecked you, days you said the wrong thing. That is not failure. That is being a human being inside the hardest season of your life.

The small things are the big things. The bedtime story. The bath. The permission slip signed on time. The hand on the shoulder when your child is having a hard day. These are the entire case for who you are as a parent. Keep doing them, even when no one is watching.

The goal was never the points. Not the ones you score against the other parent. Not the ones you score in your own head. The goal was always the peace. Your peace. Your child’s peace. The peace that comes from standing in who you are, on purpose, every single day, whether the other parent ever sees it or not.

You are not alone in this. There are women and men all over Lexington, Charleston, and Columbia walking this same road, in the same season, doing their best. Your children are loved. Your effort is seen.

Come back to this guide whenever you need to. Save it where you can find it. Send it to a friend who needs it.

And when you have a hard moment, remember this.

The goal was never the points. The goal was always the peace.

With love,

Tobia

A NOTE I am a Certified Divorce Coach, not an attorney. Nothing in this blog is legal advice. For questions about your case, please speak with your lawyer. I am here to walk alongside you as a coach. ASHBY JONES & ASSOCIATES, LLC Lexington   •   Charleston   •   Columbia ashbyjoneslaw.com   •   803.965.9977